


The Shadows on Her Face

by blueaerin



Category: Stormlight Archive - Brandon Sanderson
Genre: Adolin is in over his head, F/M, Grief, Loss, Veil and Kaladin have a good talk, more sad stuff, relationships, sorry about that, well sorry not sorry or I wouldn't be writing that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-02
Updated: 2018-03-02
Packaged: 2019-03-26 03:33:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13849215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueaerin/pseuds/blueaerin
Summary: After a recent miscarriage, Shallan reverts to Veil. Veil refuses to talk to Adolin, who is forced to get Kaladin to help bring Shallan back.___“Grief isn’t an ocean,” Kaladin said, slowly. He saw Veil turn to him, could feel her eyes studying his face. “If it were, you wouldn’t even notice another drop. It’s a stone in your pocket, and then another, and you can feel the weight of each new one.”“Do you? When your men die?”“I feel it every time.”





	The Shadows on Her Face

**Author's Note:**

> TW: This work mentions an early term miscarriage. 
> 
> Special shout out to the commentators on “Under a Shattered Veil” for reminding me that Kaladin did NOT actually see Veil’s face in OB.

The long hallway curved before Kaladin and Adolin, lanterns filled with diamond chips casting alternating pools of shadow and light, dim spheres illuminating the depth the darkness instead of dispelling it. 

Adolin set a ferocious pace, his face a grim mask. Kaladin glanced at him occasionally, but the other man’s face was as unreadable as it had been when he’d appeared unannounced in Kaladin’s room a few minutes ago, refusing to answer any questions. The echo of their steps was the only sound in the pre-dawn quiet of Urithiru. 

They came to Adolin and Shallan’s quarters, but when Adolin pushed the door open, Kaladin hesitated, folding his arms. 

“What was so important that you had to drag me out of bed in the middle of the night?” 

“Just come in. Do you think I'd get you up for something unimportant?”

“We’ve had different definitions of what's important in the past,” Kaladin protested. There’d been plenty of ‘important’ trips to the tailor’s when Bridge Four had been guarding the Kholins. 

Adolin just shrugged and walked into the dark room beyond. Kaladin followed, eyes adjusting to the bright glow of the emerald broams on the table in the middle of the room. It reminded Kaladin of the light from the lifespren in the chasms. A damp breeze blew in from the balcony door. He’d almost forgotten what it felt like to have fresh air in a room.

Glancing towards the bed, Kaladin saw that it lay smooth and unslept in. Turning to Adolin with a question on his lips, he found the other man studying him with a frown on his face. 

“I can’t tell you how much I don’t want you here.” 

“I’d be more than happy to leave,” Kaladin said, turning back towards the door. 

“It’s Shallan,” Adolin said, frustration and sorrow clear in his voice. “We...she… lost the baby. A day or two ago.” 

“I’m sorry.” Kaladin said, wanting to reach out and comfort his friend. He stopped himself. There was something else that Adolin hadn’t told him.

“It was early yet,” Adolin said, pushing on, “and the midwives said she’s fine, but she looked--” Adolin trailed off, caught in memory before he continued. “She lost a lot of blood, which they said was normal. But I’m worried about her and now--” he ground his teeth together “and now Veil won’t let me talk to her.” 

Kaladin nodded slowly, noticing for the first time the white fabric that fluttered across the open door when the wind blew across the balcony. Veil was out there, in the cool night air that tasted of sky and stone. Adolin ran his hands through his hair. There was something yet.

“I’ve been up half the night trying to persuade her to come in and get some rest, but she refuses.” He paused and Kaladin waited in silence as he saw anger and sorrow chase each other across Adolin’s face like clouds across the sun. 

“She asked to talk with you,” Adolin said at last, his voice raw, defeated. He turned from Kaladin, unable to meet his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Kaladin said again, proffering his apology as if it would do anything. Only the Stormfather knew the price in pride and grief that Adolin had paid during the long walk to his barracks. “I can still leave. This is a thing between you and her.” 

“It should be,” Adolin growled. “There are already too many people in this marriage.” Kaladin saw him clench his right fist, as if he was gripping a shardblade. 

“Adolin, she’s still Shallan. She needs Veil. And she needs you.” Adolin raised his head sharply to face Kaladin, eyes bright with unshed tears. 

“And you? Will you always be here, bridgeboy? In the words she doesn't say? In the shadows on her face?” 

They stood together in silence, listening to the wind blow through the open balcony door.

“Go. She needs one of us, at least.” Adolin said roughly, sitting on the edge of the bed, head in his hands.

________________________

Kaladin walked softly out onto the balcony. The night was dark and the stars shone brighter than any diamond broam in the thin air here at the top of the world. Kaladin saw he cast a shadow in the starlight.

Another shadow moved and took shape to reveal Veil leaning against the wall, hat pulled low over her eyes. 

“You came, bridgeman.” 

“You called.” Kaladin leaned against the railing, turning his back to the precipitous drop. He could feel the dew soaking through his shirtsleeves and in a line across his back. A few star spren danced above them.

Veil shifted, tilting her face up to the sky. Where Shallan’s features were delicate, Veil’s were harsher. She looked like she’d been penciled in bold strokes. It was a good face, Kaladin thought. It reminded him of the women he’d grown up with in Hearthstone, a little worn and weary. Even in the starlight though, Kaladin could see the fierce energy that shone in her features.

“Did you hear the one about the barmaid, the cobbler’s son, and the star spren?” she asked, tilting her head back for a better view. 

“Do I want to?”

“Maybe not. It might offend your delicate sensibilities.” Kaladin snorted in response. 

“You know,” he said, “Syl says there are actually different orders of star spren.” 

“Save it for Shallan,” said Veil. 

“Can I talk to her?”

Veil paused for a moment and shook her head. “He never wants to talk to me. Why should I let him talk to her?” 

“Adolin?” Veil rolled her eyes. 

“Who else? Except now he won’t leave me alone, but only because he’s worried about Shallan. He treats me like I’m some intruder in his perfect little marriage. Which isn’t so perfect if you ask me.” 

“Maybe that’s why he doesn’t talk to you. Because of all the marriage advice?” 

“Fair enough, Stormblessed.” Veil grinned and looked him up and down. “At least you don’t seem bothered by me, at least. Don’t you find me odd?”

“Why should I be bothered?” Kaladin asked. Veil pushed herself off the wall and came to lean on the railing, looking out over the peaks and valleys below. Kaladin turned and they stood together, listening to the wind.

“You’ve given this some thought,” Veil said. 

“Shallan’s my friend.” Kaladin turned to look at Veil. “We all have versions of ourselves that we present to other people, that help us survive what the world throws at us. And Shallan’s had more thrown at her than most people survive in a lifetime. So maybe it makes sense that you’re here. I think we could be friends too.” She didn’t say anything in return, but Kaladin saw a smile ghost across her face. They stood in silence for a long time, watching the stars wheel overhead. 

“That storming girl,” Veil whispered eventually. “She went--far away this time. So very far.” She shook her head. “As if losing a baby isn’t something that happens to practically every woman.”

“It’s never happened to her before,” Kaladin pointed out. Veil waved a hand towards him dismissively. “Or to you. Or Adolin,” he added gently. “Don’t you think that he’s grieving too? That maybe that’s why he keeps trying to talk with you?” 

“Maybe. Or maybe he just wants to keep Shallan wrapped up, safe from everything. That’s not what she wants.”

“Then she should be the one to tell him that.” 

“Don’t you think I know that?” Veil snapped. “It’s not like I enjoy being tangled up in this any more than you do. But she has to be the one to decided to come back from wherever she’s gone and gotten herself lost.” 

“So we wait,” Kaladin said. “I’ll wait with you, if you want.” 

“Always so storming noble.” Kaladin looked up, searching her face, but he couldn’t read it in the pre-dawn shadows. Veil’s voice sounded tired, as she whispered, “I thought it was an act at first. No one’s really that honest and true all the time. Certainly no one that I’ve ever known. But you are. Or at least you’ve convinced Shallan. I guess you’ve convinced me, too. Wish you hadn’t. It might make things easier.” 

“Easier, how?” Kaladin asked warily. 

Veil sighed. “I chose you. At the end. Still don’t know what that girl sees in him. I guess he is storming handsome. Doesn’t hit her, or shout. And good with a shardblade, if you catch my drift.” Kaladin closed his eyes. 

“Veil, I can’t hear this.” 

“I chose you. Didn’t even get outvoted. Radiant likes you too. But Shallan gets final say.” Veil made a face. “She likes you too. Maybe even loves you. But I think you scare her. You see too much of her. The parts that she keeps hidden even from him. And she doesn’t like how much I like you. Sometimes I don’t think she trusts me.” 

“I--” 

“You don’t have to say anything, bridgeman. But I thought you should know. I thought it would be better, maybe. I don’t know, I’ve never been good at love. Shallan wouldn’t have told you, and it didn’t sit right with me, that you would never know how much you mean to her. To me. To us, I guess.” 

Kaladin was silent for a moment, thoughts swirling. He felt a momentary lightness at what Veil said, a sense of vindication, almost, although he knew the feeling was petty. He had suspected, had told himself it was a foolish dream. And then as he ordered his thoughts again, he felt the weight of his love fall back on his shoulders, heavier than before. There was no real freedom in knowing. What would it possibly change? They were too close, the three of them, their lives too entangled, the threads pulled so tightly that if one them pulled away they would all break. They needed each other if they were going to survive this Desolation. And he was the one that bore the burden of that need. 

“Veil, why I am I here?” Kaladin asked. He pushed away from the rail, pacing the balcony. Veil turned to follow him. 

“I don’t know,” she said softly. “It wasn’t even my baby. But she left and I just felt like I was drowning. I don’t know if it’s supposed to work that way, but sometimes I think the edges are blurring between us.” She shook her head. “And you’re the only other person I know, that Shallan knows, who understands sorrow like her. Heralds, you think that girl had enough grief in her life that she would have learned to swim through it by now.” Veil didn’t sound angry now, just tired. 

“Grief isn’t an ocean,” Kaladin said, slowly. He saw Veil turn to him, could feel her eyes studying his face. “If it were, you wouldn’t even notice another drop. It’s a stone in your pocket, and then another, and you can feel the weight of each new one.” 

“Do you? When your men die?” 

“I feel it every time. No one says we only get the grief we can carry. There’s no shame in grief, Veil.” 

Kaladin saw tears coming down Veil’s face. She raised her hand to her cheek and pulled it away to inspect her fingers. 

“I’m crying,” she said. “I don’t know why I’m crying.” Kaladin saw, even in the dim light, that her outline was beginning to blur and fade, until she really did look like a shadow. “I don’t why--”

________________________

And then Shallan was standing there, fingers resting on her damp cheek. She looked around, confused, her eyes lighting on Kaladin. He could tell it took her a moment to recognize him. She looked at the sky, where the edge of the world was starting to glow with the promise of dawn. 

“I was so far,” she murmured. She shook her head. She was dressed in a havah, her hair brushed and falling neatly down her back. Her eyes focused and she turned to Kaladin. 

“Was it Veil?” Kaladin nodded. 

“I hope she didn’t say anything too embarrassing.” 

“Shallan, I’m sorry about the baby.” 

She nodded. “Thank you.” She looked around the balcony and frowned. “Where’s Adolin?” 

“He’s been here the whole time. Inside. He and Veil had a disagreement, I think. I’ll send him back on my way out.” Kaladin turned to leave, but felt a touch on his arm and turned back. 

“Thank you,” Shallan said again. “It’s already all mixed up, like a dream, but I heard you. That’s why I made it back. I even heard a little of what you said, at the end. I--” Adolin appeared at the balcony door. 

“I’ll see you later. Be well, Shallan.” 

“I’ll be at the morning meeting, same as always,” she said. 

“But--” 

“I’ll see you there, Kaladin. I’m not broken. Just sad. I think I should still be able to manage taking notes, don’t you?” He shook his head and smiled as he left the balcony. Adolin gripped his arm as he passed by. 

“Thank you,” he said. “I’m sorry I was angry.” 

“You had every right to be.” They both looked at Shallan, who was coming towards them. “Let her see you grieve,” Kaladin said as he pulled away. “You don’t have to protect her from that.”

________________________

He walked to his barracks, where at last he cried for the love that binds until it breaks.


End file.
